I’m confused; who was this movie made for? All I see in THE AVENGERS is a bunch of super sexy talent confined to an invisible floating submarine fighting over who gets to play captain. Oh, and no one gets a girl? Now I really don’t get it. I’m pretty sure nerds like hot damsels in distress with ripped skirts and super heroes that don’t have personality disorders. I swear we barely see any skin, except if you count Mark Ruffalo’s bare ass, which is unfortunately the last person in this film I wanted to see naked.
This movie is for all those annoying couples that have been dating for a million years that never get married. Thank you Jason Segel for revealing in romantic-comedy-form an example of an even more frustrating duo that can’t seem to get the job done. THE FIVE-YEAR ENGAGEMENT is undoubtedly hilarious, but it directly targets the issue most long-term couples have when you basically live a lifetime with someone and nothing really changes and you wonder if you were just ‘almost’ perfect for each other.
This is a man’s world. But it’d be nothing without a woman, so the song goes. We’ve got plenty of woman-to-woman advice all over the map and yet we’re still struggling to get that ring. It’s about time a man sells out and gives us the play-by-play on how to change the game. As Steve Harvey dictates in his self-promoted film THINK LIKE A MAN, “He hasn’t proposed to you yet because you haven’t required him to.” Okay, you asked for it. We’re declaring war. And in war, there are no rules.
Can someone explain to me why we’re still making movie versions of Nicholas Sparks’ books? I mean let’s be honest, not even Nick himself can beat THE NOTEBOOK. But if you really want to make another sappy love movie in 2012, let’s set an ex-marine on a hunt for his superstitious good luck charm he likes to call a ‘guardian angel’ that saved his life during the war. As he says, “Finding something like that in a war is like finding an angel in hell.” But that’s not enough drama. He has to walk from Colorado to Louisiana and basically do a bunch of manual labor for this random blonde who thinks he’s the biggest pain in the ass for like, being such a hard worker and handy man and all-around-provider-type.
Whoa, has it been thirteen years since AMERICAN PIE? It’s about time we check in on these kids, you know, all grown up and stuff. All I can say is it really doesn’t matter what they’re up to these days because they’re all just the same sex-obsessed group of idiots we know and love. Whether you’re a fan of these fools or not, you’ll get a kick out of AMERICAN REUNION (or at the very least get your money’s worth of tits and ass).
Do you ever think that we might not be progressing as successfully as we say we are? To the point we’re actually moving backwards? Well, you’re not alone. SURVIVING PROGRESS follows Ronald Wright’s argument on societal collapse in A Short History Of Progress through analysis of past civilizations. As they say, “Every time history repeats itself, the price goes up.” Perhaps we should stick to our roots of hunting and gathering, the way our brains were wired to begin with. Are we working against our natural behavior?
Trust me, you don’t have to be a hockey fan to enjoy this movie. You don’t even have to enjoy sports, high testosterone action, profane language or excessive violence to draw some tears. Seann William Scott will creep under your skin as the adorable big lug Doug Glatt in GOON — and it’s not just the padding or the ’69’ uniform. He’ll have you breaking out your stomach light and phoning home together ET-style.
Let’s make another movie about Greek mythology where there’s lots of fighting and special effects so we can blow a bunch of stuff up and spend tons of money. How many times can we discuss the story of Perseus, the bastardized son of Zeus? At least in WRATH OF THE TITANS, Perseus (Sam Worthington) is also sick of his predetermined destiny and just wants to go fishing. As if it isn’t hard enough living a simple peasant life while raising a child on your own, your father, the mighty Zeus (Liam Neeson) has to threaten you in your dreams to get you back on a black flying horse with that huge sword of yours to like, save the world, again.
Now that HARRY POTTER is over and TWILIGHT is reaching its finale, we need another new adult book series to console our adolescent hormones. THE HUNGER GAMES is just that refuge — definitely made to satisfy its dedicated readers and cause an explosion in book sales, this film will touch you in the same ways all these teen movies do (admit it, you know you like it). It’s also kind of the best of both worlds; I’m imagining a love story similar to TWILIGHT and an adventure story similar to HARRY POTTER. Am I close?
Tyler Perry’s GOOD DEEDS can be summed up in one word: unbelievable. The story doesn’t make sense, the characters are unrealistic and there goes basically all the elements of a good movie. It looks like Tyler Perry is losing his fire since the days of WHY DID I GET MARRIED? and DIARY OF A MAD BLACK WOMAN. This film is just about a boring guy trying to be unpredictable.