DARK SHADOWS

DARK SHADOWS  (2012)

Running Time:  113 mins.                      Rating: x Stars/5 Stars

MPAA Rating: PG-13

Director: Tim Burton

Genre: Comedy/Fantasy

Country: USA

Language: English

Distributor: Warners

Cast: Johnny Depp, Michelle Pfeiffer, Helena Bonham Carter, Eva Green, Jackie Earle Haley, Jonny Lee Miller, Bella Heathcote, Chloe Grace Moretz, Gulliver McGarth, Christopher Lee, Alice Cooper, Jonathan Frid, Kathryn Leigh Scott, Lara Parker, David Selby

 

If watching Johnny Depp as a vampire wasn’t your only inclination for watching Tim Burton’s DARK SHADOWS, just get excited about the fact that you’ll be hearing about an age-old story of the Collins family, and yes, we’re not talking about the glistening Cullens and their stupid obsession with the neighbor chick and her werewolf friends. If you’re a vampire fan, you’ll love DARK SHADOWS.

Beyond Johnny Depp’s disgusting sex appeal in basically any dark film he features in is the unexpectedly delicious love story of a vampire falling for a living woman in another time. He goes so far as to describe her most ‘fertile birthing hips’ and can’t even imagine abbreviating her name. Of course, this Barnabas Collins has never been to New York City in the millennia, but it’s a little charming that he’d considering giving a ton of money, or sheep, or even a combination of the two to prove his love for a sixteen-year-old virgin haunted by some ghost. Can you make her life more difficult? Yes, let’s have her fall in love with the vampire in this city so that she can have another Kristen Stewart issue of growing old while her love stays young and beautiful forever. And yes, that love story is over and Tim Burton definitely brought in way more humor in his cast (don’t expect close-ups with twinkling eyes), but more importantly he stuck true to the 70’s era he wanted to capture. From the unshaven young people to the McDonalds workers, Johnny Depp couldn’t play a more adorable historical figure brought back to life 200 years into the future.

The most addictive trait of this movie is probably Johnny Depp’s ability to adapt into a civilization as a vampire and get away with appearing as a normal civilian. Like, he’ll be completely chalk-white and walk around with an umbrella over his head as if it was nothing. He’s what Dr. Julia Hoffman (Helena Bonham Carter) would say is mentally, psychologically and physically ‘fascinating.’ So much that she wants to become him and engulf him entirely. Oh, if we could only have Johnny Depp submit to our experimentation. I’m getting carried away. Is anyone else melting over Barnabas’ undying love for Bella Heathcote? Although Michelle Pfeiffer and Eva Green gave us great bitch moments, porcelain shattering and gun fires can only go so far for an audience waiting to see Johnny Depp show us what true love is all about. Although the lust scene got pretty steamy at times.

One thing is for sure — you want to see DARK SHADOWS just to say you saw another Johnny Depp masterpiece, especially since it was directed by Tim Burton. But be careful, it will suck you in. To the point that you’ll run around like you’re possessed by the Grudge or throw some fangs on if you feel particularly intrigued by a certain living specimen. Without any elements of Halloween or cheap witchcraft, DARK SHADOWS brings you a tasteful reminiscence of a free-willed ‘70s moment along with the super sexy vampire fetish we’re all craving for in this century.

 

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