THE NON-METROSEXUAL’S GUIDE TO FASHION WEEK

New York, LA, Miami, Vegas and Nashville attract the most narcissistic individuals in the United States; I would hasten to guess that many of them came to town for Fashion Week Spring/Summer 2012.  If one didn’t know better you’d think that some of the high priestesses of fashion are bag ladies that were out on a day pass from Bellevue.  Schizophrenia is not restricted to mental health, but also to fashion — especially during two weeks during the year in New York, Paris and Milan.

The Attendees

I was shocked how many fashion bloggers are fat or who do not have any fashion sense.  They must be straight guys in drag.

Crashers are out in such ridiculous numbers (and I don’t just mean the fashion junkies) that major journalists were commenting on it.  How large numbers of known crashers (this journalist even has a current update of the NYC Event Crashers list) get into the tent unbadged is beyond me.  You would think all these off-duty or retired NYPD know how to do their job, especially since it’s 9/11 10-Year Anniversary mourn fest and the city is on a terrorist alert.  (What’s with the NYPD stopping all traffic driving southward at 59th Street all week long?)

Fashion’s Night Out (or as some boutiques call it, Thieves Night Out) has declined to a frat party, by next year possibly Spring Break on the Hudson, populated by B&T and ‘Sex & The City’ fanatics.  I thought it was supposed to benefit the NYC AIDs Fund?  Maybe next year every participating store should collect $1 from everyone entering their establishments, as it seems the participants are just there for the free booze.  The upside is I met a stunning Brazilian-Lebanese marketing rep at a FNO event who should have been walking one of the runways.

D-list celebrity frenzy (i.e. Kim Kardashian and clan as step-sister Kylie traipsed down the aisle mugging for all the bloggerista at Avril Lavigne’s Abbey Dawn show) has gotten out of hand.  It’s like Rome, give them bread and circuses and Nero can fiddle away.  On a side note, Kim would make a perfect suicide bomber, as her intended victims would voluntarily swarm her.

Just because you have a digital camera doesn’t make you a photographer.  Using autofocus is a sign of unprofessionalism.

Gatekeepers & Models

Drag Queens do not like heterosexual men, even those who support the LGBTQ community.  When someone was invited, is on the guest list and received an email confirm from the designer maybe you should bother looking at the list instead of letting all your trannie friends jump the head of the line.  (Hint – PF’s FNO)

Twinks should not be doing crowd control, especially if they have no common sense.  There are a number of ex-military personnel bounced under DADT who have logistics training and are looking for work after serving their country.  A “sense of style” doesn’t make events run smoothly.

The Clipboard Brigade this year had way too many martinets-in-training with English Lit degrees besides the usual husband hunters.  Not all legitimate journalists are “beautiful people” or post-college Carrie Bradshaw wannabes.

The models were interchangeable and overall non-exciting.  A handful were very attractive.  The standout was a male model at the Blanc de Chine show who left the gay attendees salivating and many of the women aflutter.  Speaking with some confirmed the stereotype that models are dumb as a post.  The exceptions were pleasant to chat with.  I was not surprised by the lack of ethnic diversity.  The addition of more Asians is due to the fact that the China market for high-end fashion is exploding.

The IMG Media trailer staff were pleasant but alas not wise to the ways of gift bag junkies.  To get the gift bag all one had to do was to present their badge and a staffer would put an “X” on the back with a marker and give the journalist a ticket to claim the bag.  A little soap and water would have removed that “X” in seconds.  Maybe IMG should invest in some hole punches like we used in the old days.

Lounges/Gift Suites/Special Events

A “Press Lunch” means you’re serving food (something that is few and far between at Fashion Week events), especially when the event is being hosted in a restaurant.  A muffin or croissant doesn’t even make it “brunch.”

Most of the lounges are a complete waste of time; it’s a wonder everyone clamors to get into them.  The exception this year was The Daily’s Style Sessions @ Stone Rose Lounge.  Outside of the deluge of crashers and usual snotty bartenders, the experience was enjoyable — and they had something to nibble on besides yuppie snack chips.  The Macallan “Fine Oak” 17 Year Old Single Malt was the highlight (alas I never got back).

Crasher Thieves were working really hard again this year.  Word is that at the HP sponsored Project Runway party one notorious Asian woman managed to steal the HP TouchPad being given solely to designers in attendance.  She simply searched through her phone for Asian contestants and then waltzed over to the on-site HP reps and claimed to be Ping Woo from Season 10.  Perhaps they should have asked for ID.  But then, who would think that the crashers were this inventive?  Look for said tablet to be for sale on E-Bay any day now.   The good news is HP was alerted to the fraud so they are now looking for her.

After-Parties

The fashion industry is much like the furniture design industry.  Booze is prevalent and food practically non-existent unless you count tobacco, which a number of the attendees were mainlining like a dope fiend.  I was waiting for a replay of the incident I observed in the Julliard cafeteria many years ago — an anorexic woman peeling a grape.

Alcohol sponsors are rather easy to get for “tastemaker” events.  I was disappointed at the number of events that were pouring outright crap.  It makes one want to sneak in bottles of booze they way we all used to do at rock concerts.

The Clothes

We had the usual mix of clothes one wouldn’t be caught dead in and some very nice pieces you’d have to pawn your first born to be able to buy.  At least most of the color schemes were worth considering.

I’m not in the rag trade but I was raised in a family where we were taught to identify and purchase quality merchandise that was made to last.  The much mourned men’s store Roger’s Peet would be a perfect example.  Some of the clothes presented were shitilly made and belong in a Wal-Mart or Forever 21.  Oh wait, that’s where they are intended for sale.